Motherly Love, Inspiring Strength

The past couple months have not been easy. Throughout the whole homestudy and letter-writing process, I kept thinking that once we were matched things would be easier. And even though we’re not officially matched, we’ve already become very emotionally invested in our relationship with D and this baby. Some days we have hope and are excited, but some days, at least for me, are full of anxiety and worry about how the next few months will play out. 

When we first started talking to D we would communicate with her all the time. We skyped, sent emails back and forth and she would text me just to remind us that she didn’t forget about us. It was really sweet and it made me smile to get messages from her. The last few weeks we haven’t been communicating as much and I started to worry that she had changed her mind. I automatically thought of reasons that she would have changed her mind; that spending so much time with family over the holidays or that finding out the gender in early December suddenly made things more real and made her want to parent. We totally underestimated the amount of strength this girl has. 

I emailed her the other night just to see how she was doing and try to set up a time to meet in person this month, since we had talked about that earlier. She emailed me back with an update on her and the baby (there’s kicking now!) and how things are going with the birthfather (for now, he’s cooperating and agreeing to the adoption plan). She also told me how things are starting to get emotionally more difficult for her as she gets farther along in the pregnancy. She was very laid-back in the beginning, but said she knew things would get harder as the due date got closer. Yet she still finds the strength to reassure me in every message we exchange that she knows she is making the right decision and that having us adopt the baby is the best thing for him or her.

It breaks my heart to imagine what she’s going through. No matter how hard this has been for us, we at least have hope to keep us going. At the end of this journey we are parents, whether it happens this May or not for another year or two. It’s still difficult knowing that we could fall in love with a baby and then lose him or her, but we have hope of better days to keep us going. But what does D have? At the end of this journey she will be hurting 1000 times more than she is now. If everything goes according to plan, we will be the happiest people alive at the end of this. If everything goes according to plan for her, she will lose her baby. But she’s making this plan. She’s intentionally putting herself in this heartbreaking position to do what’s best for her baby. It’s evident from the conversations we’ve had with her how much she loves this baby, and is thinking only of how to give him or her the best possible life.

Things happening around us the last few months have just helped resurface some of the pain and lack of control that goes with infertility. It’s hard for me to hear a coworker talk about giving birth next month or close friends or family members sharing pregnancy stories. Not necessarily because I’m not pregnant, but because it reminds me about the lack of certainty with adoption. I know I talked in this post about some of the things you miss out on when you’re adopting, but it makes me so sad to think about what D is going through when she does experience these things. It must be so hard for her to have someone see her baby bump and excitedly ask if she knows the gender and has names picked out, much harder than it is for me to not experience them. She is an inspiringly strong person, and we are completely in awe of her courage and devotion.

So keep D in your thoughts and prayers, please. I don’t think the next few months will be easy for any of us, but we can only hope that she is at peace with her decision and that baby ends up where he or she is meant to be.

 

Letter to Hunter

Sweet baby boy.

Wildest crazy little man we’ve ever known.

Amazing Godson of ours.

January 3, 2012: You gave us the best third anniversary gift ever by making your entrance into the world, and making us Godparents for the first time.

 

We sat in the waiting room for six hours before your Nana finally came down the hall in her stylish scrubs to interrupt my fourteenth reading of the why-you-should-get-a-flu-shot poster and show me the first pictures of your adorably scrunchy face. It was another four hours before we could hold you, but that sure didn’t stop your Great Grandma Grace from banging on the locked door of the maternity ward several times with her cane asking for Baby Hunter.

 

I got to be the first one to hold you after your mommy and Nana, and I’ll never forget that moment. We hardly knew you, and yet we would do anything for you. We loved you so much already, baby boy.

 

We’ve loved watching you grow this past year, and feel so blessed to be part of your life. We love being your Godparents and can’t wait to continue to spoil you for the rest of your life. (Sorry again, Nana, for the chunk of your living room that disappeared post-Christmas presents.) But, little monkey, you’ve done something for us that you’ll never understand. We were trying to start a family before we even knew we were going to be your Godparents. We wanted a baby to love more than anything. And while we are not your parents (no one could do as amazing of a job as your momma!), you have already taught us so much about being parents. Adoption was always something we had thought about, but when we started this process there was definitely some small part of us that wondered how much we could truly love a baby that was not our own flesh and blood. But you changed that for us completely. The day you were born I couldn’t stop smiling; not only because I became Godmama to a perfect little boy, but because I suddenly felt a sense of peace that had been missing for months. In the few hours you had been on this earth, you taught us just how much we could love a baby that wasn’t biologically ours. Becoming your Godparents was such an important step for us, and we are so grateful to your momma for giving us such an important role in your life.

 

You were the best third anniversary gift ever and, even though you’ve ruined our anniversary travel plans for the rest of our lives, we wouldn’t have it any other way. We love you to pieces, baby boy, and we always will. Happy Birthday.

 

Four Years

Four years ago today, in an old mansion in Cortlandt Manor, NY, with snow on the ground, we became husband and wife. Head over heels, hardly old enough to drink, and surrounded by more loving friends and family than we ever could have asked for. It was the perfect wedding day.

 

I thought it would be fun to share some random fun facts about our seven years together to celebrate our anniversary:

• The first time we saw each other was at our honors college orientation the day before my 18^th birthday. We didn’t speak one word to each other, but we each remembered years later what the other was wearing and which seat we were sitting in.

• We officially met the first day of college, in one of our small honors college classes. Most of our classmates, our director, advisor and a professor attended our wedding 3.5 years later.

• Our first date consisted of a snack from Wendy’s and the movie Saw 2. We both hate scary movies. And I’m a dietitian.

• Six weeks after our first date JP flew to Florida to meet my family; we were already talking about getting married.

• JP planned to propose at Top of the Rock at Rockefeller Center but the guy standing directly next to us popped the question first. He instead proposed in Washington Square Park, where we sat and talked for hours on our first date (after the fast food and blood & guts). And then someone from the park tried to sell us some weed.

• We planned our honeymoon to Thailand but had to cancel everything three weeks before our wedding because rebels shut down the Bangkok airport. We then threw together some honeymoon plans for Switzerland, where JP got altitude sickness and we spent some time in a Swiss emergency room. Then we both caught the flu and suffered together in our luxury hotel room for the remainder of the trip. In case you were wondering, they don’t sell Nyquil in Switzerland. Apparently we just weren’t supposed to take a honeymoon.

• The retired Catholic priest who married us at some point during our ceremony actually shook a wooden crucifix in our faces and told us we weren’t allowed to have any more girl’s or guy’s nights or private emails. I think everyone in the room was trying to hold back laughter.

• The first time we ever left the country was on a study abroad trip to London in January 2007. We’ve been to 17 countries together since then: Canada, UK, France, The Netherlands, Italy, Spain, Switzerland, Turkey, Iceland, Cayman Islands, Mexico, Belize, Honduras, Argentina, Uruguay, South Africa and Zimbabwe.

• And the end of the best man’s speech at our wedding that made everyone cry:

  A toast to you

  My loving friends

  May there be no boundaries

  May there be no end

  To the happiness

  You find together

  In body and mind

  In love forever.

 

Happy fourth anniversary, husband. I love you more every day. Our life together has been an adventure and I can’t wait for the rest of it. And thanks for putting up with all my crap.

Hope for 2013

I’ve heard so many people talk about how horrible their 2012 was, with the hope that 2013 will be better. This past year has certainly been a roller coaster for us, and extremely difficult at times, but I wouldn’t say it was a bad year. We had four failed rounds of fertility drugs, had a homestudy process that dragged on for six months and experienced an adoption scam. But we also were able to move back to New York, got to be in the hospital when our Godson was born, traveled to two continents we’ve never been to, found hope in moving ahead with adoption, passed our homestudy and got our first potential birthmom contact after only a month of waiting. We have each other, our families, our health and a lot of other things to be thankful for.

 A few days ago we finally watched The Hunger Games and, aside from the fact that the plot is overall pretty sick, I thought it was generally well-made. There was one quote from the president that stuck out to me though: “Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear.”. To be honest, I’m terrified about what this next year has in store for us. This roller coaster will undoubtedly be twice the size of last year’s. We will either bring home our baby or have a failed match (or both). We will become aunt and uncle and watch all the “firsts” of our niece or nephew, without knowing if we’ll have our own little one to celebrate firsts with. I am scared thinking of how this year will unfold and of how I’m going to hold it together if everything falls apart, but I also have hope. Hope that our baby will find us this year. Hope that I will have the strength to handle whatever this year brings. Although every part of me wants to be holding our baby when 2014 rolls in, I want even more to feel peace with wherever we are at the end of the year. I want to look back on 2013 and know that we lived our lives; I want to be content with where we are. This is not going to be an easy year, but if we have nothing more than we have now, and the hope to keep looking forward, I think we can still consider it a good year.

 So, Happy New Year. May you have enough hope to push through your fears, strength to endure the trials and peace in whatever situation you find yourself. And enough sense to not dive into a crazy fad diet that will land you in the ER.

 

We decided at the last minute to go to Times Square last night… we only got to 38th St. before we hit a wall of people but it was still pretty awesome.

Scammed

About 2 seconds after I finished that last post with the all-we-can-do-is-wait and at-least-we-don’t-have-any-big-decisions-to-make-right-now sentiments, we were contacted by a second potential birthmom. She sounded legitimate, asked all appropriate questions and messaged us back pretty quickly (but not too quickly). She asked about our plans for open adoption, what brought us to adoption, our plans for naming the baby and talking to our child about his or her adoption story. We messaged back and forth several times and discussed all of this. She told us she lived in Arizona, had a 20-month-old son, and is due in March.

We were excited to have been contacted again but also nervous about how to go about talking to two birthmoms at the same time. Things had been going well with the first birthmom (let’s call her “D” so it doesn’t get confusing) and we almost felt like we were cheating on her or something by talking to someone else. And we were worried that if things worked out with this second contact that we would eventually have to choose who to match with. We started researching adoption laws in Arizona, just in case (and of course there is NO revocation period there compared to the 30 days in NY).

This morning JP emailed our agency to let them know we were contacted again (we’re supposed to tell them about anyone who contacts us directly so they know that we’ve been talking to that person when she contacts the agency herself). We got 3 emails back after that apologizing and letting us know that this “Rachel Lynn” was a scam. Apparently she’s contacted several adoptive families over the last few months and keeps making new accounts on the adoption website when they block her. I think my jaw hit the floor when I read that. We never would have guessed this was a scam. There were no red flags; no request for money, no twins, and no my-water-is-breaking-right-now-come-get-on-a-plane. We were totally surprised.

In a way, we’re relieved. As much as I do worry about the potential legal risk in matching with D, I didn’t realize how (somewhat) content I was to just wait and let that play out until this threw a wrench into the whole situation. Things are more simple now, and I’m so thankful that this happened to us at a time when we have another match that looks promising. I’m more disgusted by the fact that there are people who enjoy messing with the emotions of adoptive parents, most of whom have already been through so much. I’m sure there were other couples who have been scammed by this person (or others) and were far more affected by it; it would be devastating to be waiting a year and find out that your first contact was a scam. So we are lucky. Lucky that we have another match. Lucky that we found out this wasn’t legitimate before we spent months communicating with “her”. We still feel a little used and generally creeped out, but it could have been worse. 

Strength

Since we started sharing our plans to adopt, I’ve had four or five different people tell me that they would like to adopt a child in the future. I think it’s amazing that there are people in this world who appreciate the beauty of adoption and want to be a part of it. And it’s even more amazing to think that someone could actually be inspired by our journey. But I feel like I have an obligation to these people also; to share not only the upbeat, warm and fuzzy parts of adoption but the really difficult aspects too. I’ve described some of our frustrations so far, but there are some things about this whole journey that just make it hard. It’s more than frustration. It’s fear and anxiety that seems to control you at times.

I haven’t been able to post anything the last few weeks because I haven’t really been able to process everything that’s happening. We were contacted by an expectant mom, who at this point we’ve talked to several times and she has told us that she definitely wants to place with us. We were over-the-moon excited, and still are. She is amazing, and we could not have ever imagined a more perfect match. But we learned some details about this situation that make it legally very risky. As in, the birthfather could get a lawyer on the 29^th day after we bring our baby home and literally take him or her from us.

 

You’ll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

 

There are risks with adoption, and we knew this going into it. We knew that New York has one of the longest revocation periods after the papers are signed. We knew that a lot of domestic adoptions have sticky birthfather situations. But we didn’t really know the extent of his rights, or how difficult he can make this until we spoke with our social worker. No matter how sure she is of her decision, and how perfect everything else is, he can change everything. Our social worker kept trying to warn us of how risky the situation is and told us about a couple in a similar situation recently where the birthfather decided to get a lawyer at the last minute and contest the adoption. She told us there were members of the adoptive family and the birthmother’s family hugging each other and crying together in the hospital, because plans were ruined for everyone. The adoptive parents lost the baby, and the birthmom was forced to parent when this was not her plan. It’s devastating for everyone, and I was holding back tears on the phone imagining having to go through that.

 

You were given this life because you have the strength to live it.

 

We also got some news a few weeks ago that only intensifies my desire to be holding our baby soon. If I was in any position before to deal with this situation possibly falling through and recognize the fact that this wasn’t our baby, this confirmed for me that I will fall apart if this doesn’t work out. This will increase the heartache a hundred times over. It certainly doesn’t make sense and it may seem irrational to some people that I’m so affected by this, because right now nothing has actually changed for us. I am unbelievably grateful to our family members who have recognized, even without being able to really understand, what I’m going through and reminded me that I am strong and will get through this. Because that’s all I can do. It is what it is, and all we can do is wait, pray and take each day as it comes.

 

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

 

But I am scared. Scared of how I’m going to get through the next six months knowing that we could lose this baby. Scared even more of how I am going to handle the few months after that. Some days I want to go back to the way things were, when I was content with the wait and felt like I could live my life again. Things were not this complicated a month ago. I wasn’t this impatient or nervous because we were not dealing with a real situation yet. But everything happens for a reason, and this is the situation we were handed. It can’t be a coincidence that she was brought into our life only a few days before all of this unfolded. I have so many fears surrounding this placement actually going through because of the birthfather, but I have none of the fears for the health of the baby that I thought I might have with adoption. Everything else about this situation is more than we could have asked for so we are not going to turn down a match simply because he could cause a problem a few months from now. All we can do is wait. In a small way it’s comforting to know that there is nothing we can do but take things one day at a time and see how everything plays out. There is no big decision to make right now, all we can do is try to live our lives and prepare for this baby knowing that there is no guarantee. It gets completely overwhelming sometimes and I never know when this uncontrollable feeling of fear is going to hit me. Sometimes I’ll just be sitting on the train, overthinking, and start worrying about what could happen and how heartbreaking it would be. I just have to take a deep breath and remind myself that nothing can be done right now. It is what it is. Strength and faith are the only things that will get you through this.

 

Faith is trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.

 

So if some days you hear me talk about this match like it will happen and this is our baby, know that that is what I need to believe right then to keep myself sane. If the next day I’m worried and guarded, just bear with me. Adoption is a difficult journey and I don’t think anyone, even those with quick matches, will tell you that there is no worry or fear involved. Every step of this requires strength, and I may need to be convinced some days that I actually have some left.

 

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

We caught an very early morning flight from Cape Town, South Africa to Johannesburg, and another flight to a tiny airport (really just an airstrip…) in the Kapama Game Reserve in Hoedspruit, South Africa. There was seriously a warthog running alongside the plane as we were landing. We were picked up by a safari vehicle and started the 20 minute journey to our hotel, complete with a giraffe welcoming committee blocking the road.

The welcoming committee…

We arrived at Kapama Southern Camp, were handed cool towels and fresh juice and checked into our room. “Lunch is at 1:00, High Tea at 4:00 and game drive from 4:30-7:30, with dinner afterwards at 8.” Well that sounds amazing, thank you. “And watch out for the monkeys.” No problem.

 

We were trying to get to our room but monkeys kept running across the path and swinging from the tree!

We had internet access here in the middle of nowhere and I checked email on my phone before lunch. I hadn’t checked it in several days so I quickly scrolled through, not really expecting to see anything but junk mail. “AmazonLocal Deals- Half off Frozen Yogurt NYC.” “Save 15% at the new Scarsdale West Elm store.” “New Message at I Heart Adoption.” Wait, what? JP was off killing some giant African spiders in the oversized bathroom and probably thought I was being eaten by something when he heard my little shriek from the next room.

Someone contacted us through our online profile. Our immediate thought was that it was a mistake or a scam. I fully expected to open the message and see either a blank screen or a request for money. But there was neither. It was a real message, from a real person. We messaged her back, and expected not to hear anything back. We got back from our game drive and breakfast the next morning, and saw a reply from her. It was hard to believe that this was actually happening.

We ended up messaging back and forth a few times and made a plan to talk on the phone sometime this week, after we got back to the states. The whole thing has seemed so surreal. At this point, we aren’t officially matched since we are just getting to know her and she is just getting into her second trimester now. So nothing is formal yet, but we’re so excited to have even been contacted, especially since we’ve only been “waiting” just over a month. I thought about not really sharing this until we knew we were matched, but this is part of our journey to grow our family, whether this is our baby or not. We obviously have no idea where it will go from here, but I think this contact will undoubtedly affect the whole process for us, no matter the outcome. Positive thoughts and prayers for the baby, expectant mom, and our sanity would be very much appreciated!!

Before Baby Bucket List

I think we’ve established that I am a fan of lists. With all the time we spent “waiting to wait”, I started compiling a list of things to help keep us occupied while we were waiting. A Before Baby Bucket List of sorts. The wait can be long and unpredictable. There are things on this list to help prepare us for bringing home a baby, because I know some days I will get hit with baby fever need a reminder that this is really happening. But there are other things on the list that we just want to do for ourselves. Things we haven’t really gotten around to doing, or things that will be hard to do with a baby in tow. So, our Before Baby Bucket List: 

Take an infant care/CPR class. I know a lot of expectant parents will take a birth/infant care class prior to baby’s birth so I’m hoping to find one near us that focuses more on caring for the baby than the actual birth (bathing, swaddling, diapering, dealing with sick babies, etc.).

Speaking of diapering…Finish our cloth diaper stash. Yes, we are planning to cloth diaper. We likely will not do it the first couple weeks since we will be staying in a hotel if baby is born outside NY state (so we plan to stock up on some newborn disposable diapers for that time). We’ve already bought a lot of cloth diapers but we really need to figure out exactly how many we’ll need and finish the stash. I’ll probably do a separate post about this since I know a lot of people still think cloth diapering involves giant towel and safety pin…

Talk to our insurance company about coverage for the little one. Baby will be covered by our health insurance as soon as papers are signed, but companies have different rules about covering the nursery stay for those first couple days before birthmom signs the relinquishment papers.

Research (and eventually purchase) some of the big baby items. We’ve looked at some cribs but haven’t at all started researching car seats, strollers or anything else. Recommendations are welcome!

Have the nursery wall put up. We chose our current apartment because it is set up to allow for a second bedroom with one extra wall put up. So we need to have that built so we can start building the…

Nursery! We already have a sort-of theme picked out and I’m so excited to start decorating. (Well, I have a theme picked out. I’m pretty sure most dads-to-be don’t have a lot of strong opinions about nursery decorating. JP agrees that the ideas I have so far are acceptable :))

Narrow down our name list. Or start one? We’ve randomly discussed names a few times but never decided on anything. Most conversations just turned into a mild argument about whether our first son should be John Patrick IV (hubby-and the rest of the O’Connor clan- like the idea of a dynasty, I think the kid deserves his own name), but I think after 7 years of going back and forth about this one I’ve probably won. We’re planning to narrow things down to a few names for each gender but probably won’t make a definite decision until baby is born. We kind of like the idea of having the birthmother’s input on a name too so, depending on the situation, she might be involved in picking the name once we have them narrowed down.

Collect some newborn and family photo ideas. New pinterest board needed…

Start a baby book. I made one last year for our Godson and I loved putting it together. A lot of adoptive parents make a “life book” with the adoption story that can be read to the child, so I’m not sure if we’ll do that as a separate book or put everything together.

Look into adoptive breastfeeding and/or getting donated breastmilk. Yes, both are possible. I’ll do a separate post on these eventually too once we’ve done some more research.

Find a pediatrician. I would love to find one in our neighborhood, but I’m not opposed to going into the city if we find a great doctor who has experience with adopted kids.

Put together a hospital bag list. We probably won’t actually put the bag together until we’re matched but I’d like to have a list together in case we end up with a last-minute placement (mainly because I’ve already had dreams about being totally unprepared).

Collect some ideas for birth announcements.

Decide what type of parents we want to be. We had to read a lot of parenting material for the homestudy, most of which focused on every little thing that could possibly go wrong and how to handle it. We’ve enjoyed reading parenting articles and books on our own though and talking about how we want to raise our kids.

Set a good example. With the stress we’ve had the last year (deciding on adoption, the homestudy, moving back to NY, JP switching jobs TWICE with me working more-than-full-time recently, etc.) we haven’t exactly been living the way we would like to. I used to take ballet classes 6-7 days/week…now my foot cramps up just from pointing my toes for too long. I hate that. I hate feeling out of shape and not eating well. We don’t exactly eat poorly (I’m a registered dietitian, Burger King won’t be on the menu no matter how lazy I get), but we could definitely do better. We want to have exercise and eating practices that we would want our children to imitate.

Go on an awesome “babymoon”. We’re going to South Africa and Victoria Falls very very soon!! I’m sure I’ll post some pictures once we get back.

See another Broadway show. And a ballet, if JP has a moment of weakness and agrees to go 🙂

Do something spontaneous. Obviously haven’t decided what yet. I hear it’s difficult to be spontaneous when it takes 3 hours just to get out the door with a newborn…

Try some new nice restaurants. We’ve become addicted to trying new restaurants since we moved back to the city. How did we not appreciate all this delicious food when we lived here before?

Nesting. I already have a little bit of an urge to start organizing our closets and cleaning things. I also want to make sure we’re being really conscious with anything we’re bringing into the apartment. We never really used a lot of harmful cleaning chemicals, but I really want to look more into natural and safe cleaning methods that will actually get things clean!

If you have any suggestions to add to the list, in terms of baby preparation or things to help us enjoy this pre-baby time, please feel free to comment!

 

Appreciating the Wait

We’ve been waiting two weeks now.

When we first found out we were “in the books”, there was first a huge sense of relief and excitement. Everything was finished. The frustration was over and everything that needed to be done was done. We’re finally at a point where something could happen at any time. I pulled out the box of baby things that have been stashed in the closet for months just to look through it all again and be amazed at the fact that there will actually be a use for the little clothes and toys that we’ve bought. There was a feeling of freedom and excitement that we didn’t have before.

Our excited faces the night we got engaged

The following day, the initial excitement started to wane a little and fear set in. I think all expectant parents, at some point, have a moment during pregnancy (or “paper pregnancy”) of “Holy crap, are we actually going to be responsible for another life?!”. Well this was mine. Suddenly everything was real. We’re going to be parents. Someone (multiple people, really) actually studied every aspect of our lives and decided that we’re fit to be someone’s parent. That we are ready for this. But then we started to think (overthink?)…will we ever go out to eat again? Or sleep 4 hours straight? Or have a home that doesn’t look like a cross between a padded mental facility and Chuck E. Cheese?

We’ve spent so much time muscling through this process, knowing what we wanted but being unable to reach it, that this fear wasn’t even visible. I spent a few days being really scared of this new feeling; in the almost two years that we’ve been trying to start our family, I have never felt like this. It wasn’t that I had never thought about the unglamorous aspects of parenting, only that when you’ve struggled this long you tend to only focus on the rainbows and roses as a way of convincing yourself to keep going when the going gets tough.

I realized though, in these first couple days we were waiting, how much I appreciated the life I have now. I realized that this is what I’ve been praying for since we started this journey- to be able to enjoy the present without constantly feeling like something is missing. It’s so hard to be content with what you have when all you can focus on is getting to the better days ahead: your family of three.

I’ve realized that this fear is a blessing in disguise. We are absolutely ready for this baby. The sleepless nights, the cold dinners and the dirty diapers: we’re ready. We wouldn’t have started this process if we weren’t. We’re excited to experience every part of parenthood, the good and bad. But in a way, we’re not ready. We’ve put this journey at the forefront of our lives for so long, and now we have time to focus on ourselves and each other. We’ve done everything we can to start our family, and it’s out of our hands now. We can focus on enjoying our last months as a family of two. Eat at nice restaurants. Do some more traveling. Buy some last-minute Broadway tickets.

Ephesus, Turkey on our second anniversary

We went apple picking last weekend and it was amazing to just be able to enjoy the time together- just the two of us. Last year we were wrapped up in all the stress of fertility testing and treatment that the fun of apple picking (and anything else, really) felt like it wasn’t quite complete without us holding a baby. For so long, everything has felt like there was something missing. Or someone. This fear of how our lives are going to change with our new addition allows me to appreciate more the life we have now, without focusing so much on what our future family will look like. We still want it more than anything, and would be thrilled to get a call tomorrow, but we have a new recognition of how awesome our current life is and are excited to really embrace the freedom we have now.

Apple picking with hot apple cider!

We had a phone call with our social worker last week to talk about what to do if we’re contacted by a potential birthmom and how to handle the wait. She was encouraging us to continue living our lives and said she has actually had couples who won’t even go to the movies because it requires turning off their cell phones and they may miss a call from a birthmother. I’m so thankful to not be thinking that way right now. (And if I ever get like that during the wait, please just give me a hug and buy me a drink.) I’m excited to get back to living our lives, knowing that we’ve done everything we can and our family will grow when it is meant to happen.

And now, we wait.

I just received the email a few minutes ago that our agency has everything for our profile and we’re actively waiting. I’ve been checking my email religiously every ten minutes but I was really surprised when I saw it. Yesterday marked six months since we sent in our first homestudy packet, so this milestone came long after we expected it to. And while there’s still no definite timeline or endpoint in sight, it’s amazing to know that our lives could technically change any day.

I’ve read from other adoptive moms so many times that your life can really be turned upside down in a day. You could be incredibly frustrated with the wait one day, and the next day be matched with a birthmother or even holding your baby. Everything can change in a day, and I think that’s what will help us get through this. There’s no guarantee that we’ll be matched in the next month, or even the next year, but even the possibility that we could get “the call” any time is encouraging and such an amazing feeling after all we’ve been through to get here. The unpredictability of it all scares me like nothing else, but it’s all part of the journey.

So now, we wait.