One Year

It’s been a difficult few weeks just trying to make sense of everything that’s happened and figure out where we are. I remember hearing about failed matches from our agency or from other people who’ve experienced them and people often say that they take a break and decide not to have their profile shown for a few weeks. I could never really understand why anyone would not want to immediately have their profile shown again and try to find another match, but I completely get it now.

I’m tired. The constant stress and back and forth of this situation was completely exhausting. Our profile was never taken down because we never officially matched with D through the agency, but I have almost been hoping to not be contacted the last few weeks. The thought of having to start a relationship with another potential birthmother immediately was more than my tired heart could handle. When things first ended we were devastated for a few days, but then started to be hopeful again. Family and friends held a beautiful baby shower for us and we were looking forward to moving on and being contacted again. 

Some days it feels like the whole situation with D never happened, it’s like one big blur. But there are days when it really hits me again and I realize that May really is going to come and go and we’re not going to be parents. That those little feet in that picture really aren’t ours. That I really won’t get to buy JP some adorable father’s day gift this year and we really will become aunt and uncle before mommy and daddy. That we really are going to have to put more time and money into updating our FBI fingerprints, medical clearances and homestudy report soon just to keep our profile active. All so we can continue to wait with no end in sight. So I can continue to go to work and see another one of the newly pregnant nurses every day, who will, upon learning we are adopting, rub her pregnant belly and ask me why we don’t want “one of our own”. So I can watch all of my pregnant friends become mommies, because they have a guaranteed timeline. We have just an endless waiting game. 

I try not to complain usually because we really are blessed in so many ways. But there are days lately where I am just sad and feel completely out of hope. Where I feel frustrated that it is so easy for some people and we have to endure this pain, but then guilty for even thinking that way. It’s hard being so overwhelmed and in so much pain sometimes, but then knowing that you have to keep going because that’s the only way to get where you want to be. It’s torture knowing that things will probably get worse before they get better, but encouraging knowing that if we can get through this it will just become another day. Another step forward. If there’s one thing that keeps me hopeful, it’s reading other adoptive parents’ stories about the day they got “the call” or the day they met their child for the first time. Or stumbling across a link on pinterest to an adoption blog, only to discover that the article on “waiting” it linked to is two years old and the family now has a two beautiful children. The wait really does come to an end.

Today marks one year since we sent in our homestudy documents and officially started the process. It’s really hard knowing that it’s already been so long and that we still don’t really have an endpoint. Holidays are especially hard, because it reminds you of how much time has gone by and you remember thinking last year that that would be your last Easter (or Christmas, etc.) as a family of two. Of course it would be your turn this year to buy a cute Easter outfit and take photos of your little one with a creepy oversized bunny. But it doesn’t always work out like that.

So here we are. One year, one failed match, one scam and a whole lot of ups and downs later. Really looking forward to that day when we meet the little person we’re doing this all for and understand how all this trouble is shaping us into the parents we are supposed to be.