The past couple months have not been easy. Throughout the whole homestudy and letter-writing process, I kept thinking that once we were matched things would be easier. And even though we’re not officially matched, we’ve already become very emotionally invested in our relationship with D and this baby. Some days we have hope and are excited, but some days, at least for me, are full of anxiety and worry about how the next few months will play out.
When we first started talking to D we would communicate with her all the time. We skyped, sent emails back and forth and she would text me just to remind us that she didn’t forget about us. It was really sweet and it made me smile to get messages from her. The last few weeks we haven’t been communicating as much and I started to worry that she had changed her mind. I automatically thought of reasons that she would have changed her mind; that spending so much time with family over the holidays or that finding out the gender in early December suddenly made things more real and made her want to parent. We totally underestimated the amount of strength this girl has.
I emailed her the other night just to see how she was doing and try to set up a time to meet in person this month, since we had talked about that earlier. She emailed me back with an update on her and the baby (there’s kicking now!) and how things are going with the birthfather (for now, he’s cooperating and agreeing to the adoption plan). She also told me how things are starting to get emotionally more difficult for her as she gets farther along in the pregnancy. She was very laid-back in the beginning, but said she knew things would get harder as the due date got closer. Yet she still finds the strength to reassure me in every message we exchange that she knows she is making the right decision and that having us adopt the baby is the best thing for him or her.
It breaks my heart to imagine what she’s going through. No matter how hard this has been for us, we at least have hope to keep us going. At the end of this journey we are parents, whether it happens this May or not for another year or two. It’s still difficult knowing that we could fall in love with a baby and then lose him or her, but we have hope of better days to keep us going. But what does D have? At the end of this journey she will be hurting 1000 times more than she is now. If everything goes according to plan, we will be the happiest people alive at the end of this. If everything goes according to plan for her, she will lose her baby. But she’s making this plan. She’s intentionally putting herself in this heartbreaking position to do what’s best for her baby. It’s evident from the conversations we’ve had with her how much she loves this baby, and is thinking only of how to give him or her the best possible life.
Things happening around us the last few months have just helped resurface some of the pain and lack of control that goes with infertility. It’s hard for me to hear a coworker talk about giving birth next month or close friends or family members sharing pregnancy stories. Not necessarily because I’m not pregnant, but because it reminds me about the lack of certainty with adoption. I know I talked in this post about some of the things you miss out on when you’re adopting, but it makes me so sad to think about what D is going through when she does experience these things. It must be so hard for her to have someone see her baby bump and excitedly ask if she knows the gender and has names picked out, much harder than it is for me to not experience them. She is an inspiringly strong person, and we are completely in awe of her courage and devotion.
So keep D in your thoughts and prayers, please. I don’t think the next few months will be easy for any of us, but we can only hope that she is at peace with her decision and that baby ends up where he or she is meant to be.
The Life That Is Waiting For Us 