Appreciating the Wait

We’ve been waiting two weeks now.

When we first found out we were “in the books”, there was first a huge sense of relief and excitement. Everything was finished. The frustration was over and everything that needed to be done was done. We’re finally at a point where something could happen at any time. I pulled out the box of baby things that have been stashed in the closet for months just to look through it all again and be amazed at the fact that there will actually be a use for the little clothes and toys that we’ve bought. There was a feeling of freedom and excitement that we didn’t have before.

Our excited faces the night we got engaged

The following day, the initial excitement started to wane a little and fear set in. I think all expectant parents, at some point, have a moment during pregnancy (or “paper pregnancy”) of “Holy crap, are we actually going to be responsible for another life?!”. Well this was mine. Suddenly everything was real. We’re going to be parents. Someone (multiple people, really) actually studied every aspect of our lives and decided that we’re fit to be someone’s parent. That we are ready for this. But then we started to think (overthink?)…will we ever go out to eat again? Or sleep 4 hours straight? Or have a home that doesn’t look like a cross between a padded mental facility and Chuck E. Cheese?

We’ve spent so much time muscling through this process, knowing what we wanted but being unable to reach it, that this fear wasn’t even visible. I spent a few days being really scared of this new feeling; in the almost two years that we’ve been trying to start our family, I have never felt like this. It wasn’t that I had never thought about the unglamorous aspects of parenting, only that when you’ve struggled this long you tend to only focus on the rainbows and roses as a way of convincing yourself to keep going when the going gets tough.

I realized though, in these first couple days we were waiting, how much I appreciated the life I have now. I realized that this is what I’ve been praying for since we started this journey- to be able to enjoy the present without constantly feeling like something is missing. It’s so hard to be content with what you have when all you can focus on is getting to the better days ahead: your family of three.

I’ve realized that this fear is a blessing in disguise. We are absolutely ready for this baby. The sleepless nights, the cold dinners and the dirty diapers: we’re ready. We wouldn’t have started this process if we weren’t. We’re excited to experience every part of parenthood, the good and bad. But in a way, we’re not ready. We’ve put this journey at the forefront of our lives for so long, and now we have time to focus on ourselves and each other. We’ve done everything we can to start our family, and it’s out of our hands now. We can focus on enjoying our last months as a family of two. Eat at nice restaurants. Do some more traveling. Buy some last-minute Broadway tickets.

Ephesus, Turkey on our second anniversary

We went apple picking last weekend and it was amazing to just be able to enjoy the time together- just the two of us. Last year we were wrapped up in all the stress of fertility testing and treatment that the fun of apple picking (and anything else, really) felt like it wasn’t quite complete without us holding a baby. For so long, everything has felt like there was something missing. Or someone. This fear of how our lives are going to change with our new addition allows me to appreciate more the life we have now, without focusing so much on what our future family will look like. We still want it more than anything, and would be thrilled to get a call tomorrow, but we have a new recognition of how awesome our current life is and are excited to really embrace the freedom we have now.

Apple picking with hot apple cider!

We had a phone call with our social worker last week to talk about what to do if we’re contacted by a potential birthmom and how to handle the wait. She was encouraging us to continue living our lives and said she has actually had couples who won’t even go to the movies because it requires turning off their cell phones and they may miss a call from a birthmother. I’m so thankful to not be thinking that way right now. (And if I ever get like that during the wait, please just give me a hug and buy me a drink.) I’m excited to get back to living our lives, knowing that we’ve done everything we can and our family will grow when it is meant to happen.