Lost

We had a conference call today with our social worker from our agency and the social worker who’s been talking to D. I’ve been dreading this call for days because I knew they were just going to remind us how risky this situation is with M, and outline all the reasons it probably won’t work out.

Which they did. But then they essentially threw in the towel completely, which I didn’t even know was possible. They think that things are too risky with him, and that even if he were to change his mind again tomorrow and cooperate, there’s a chance of him changing it back the day the baby is born because he’s already been so hot and cold. Or after relinquishments are signed and we bring the baby home. They think this may turn into a contested adoption (where he gets a lawyer and tries to revoke his consent within that 30 day window after papers are signed), and they don’t want to be involved in that (in NY it would trigger a “best interests” hearing in court and be a legal mess).

Our social worker said she wants to protect us too, and obviously doesn’t want us to go through the pain of having to lose the baby after we bring her home, but knows how emotionally invested we already are. Our options are basically to find a lawyer and continue with this adoption privately, or cut off contact with D completely.

So what do we do now? (That’s not a rhetorical question. I would really love someone to just tell me what I’m supposed to do.) On one hand, we are so emotionally exhausted and just want off this roller coaster so bad. We want to spare ourselves the emotional trauma of possibly having this fall through at the hospital, or later. The last thing we want is to actually have held her or brought her home and then to lose her. But at the same time, are we giving up on what could otherwise be a perfect match and open adoption (and our daughter!) simply because we aren’t strong enough to handle this? Are we supposed to just keep swimming because there’s a possibility of everything being perfect in the end? Neither solution seems right. Even the last couple weeks have been unbelievably stressful, and it’s hard to imagine enduring another 12 weeks of that with the possibility of complete heartbreak at the end of it. But then if we were to end it now, I feel like I would spend the next several months wondering if we made the right decision and possibly regretting walking away from an otherwise perfect situation. I absolutely don’t want to have regrets, but I also don’t want to set ourselves up for unimaginable grief if we spend three more months falling in love with those little feet only to lose her at the last minute.

As far as the agency goes though, I honestly have had more stress over dealing with them in relation to this match with D than I have in actually dealing with D personally. When we talk to D we see the possibility in this situation, and are more optimistic. It’s with every conversation we’ve had about her and M with the agency that has made us discouraged and skeptical. I remember thinking a couple times that it may be easier to use a lawyer because we already do have such an open relationship with D and don’t feel like we necessarily need that intermediary with her. On the logistical side of things, we would be able to put our profile on hold with the agency in case this doesn’t work out or for a second adoption eventually. We would need to pay separate lawyer fees though to complete the adoption with D (which is money we likely would not get back if the placement failed, though I would gladly lose ten times that to not have to deal with that pain).

Sorry for this rambling, disorganized post…we just honestly don’t know where to go from here.